The Refiner’s Fire

August, 2005

Some of you know that I adopted a sibling group of two precious boys 14 years ago. At the time, they 4 1/2 and almost 2 years old. And both had difficult challenges to overcome.

My husband and I woke up several times a night EVERY NIGHT for 1 1/2 years, which my brain/sleep schedule has never recovered from. At my church class for women, known as Relief Society, our topic was on prayer.

I raised my hand and told the class how once I married my best friend and soul mate, we prayed for the gift of a baby. My answer was always no, and I was devastated. My mom brought up adoption to me one day when she saw an ad on the back on the yellow pages (an actual book!) that promised us to receive a new born. Anyway, it turned out that while we waited for our baby, our older son, who was 2 at the time, walked out of his house and onto a busy road and weaved through the cars. We watched it on the news and prayed that he would be saved by someone nearby.

Two years later, we receive a phone call that we were chosen out of 2 other families to have the boys move in with us. They were about to change the goal from reunification with their birth parents to being adopted by us. The second I met them, my spirit recognized their spirits, and I knew that they were mine, and we were meant to adopt them.

Then I told my class how difficult these last 5 years have been, and how my husband Jim and I have gone through a refiner’s fire to be molded into the people that the Lord knows we can be. I believe it is like this for mostly everyone, because when we come out of the fire, we are far stronger, better people as a result. I’ve learned patience, long-suffering, kindness, love, and forgiveness. There was no other way for me to learn these difficult lessons and trials.

I pray that my shoulder rotator cuff allows me to sleep tonight, because even typing this hurts.

My Mental Health

This month has been stressful for me; more than it usually is. It didn’t help that I went a few days without my medication, Sertraline, something I take for my anxiety. I’ve spent much more time crying over various things that I would NEVER do under normal stressful times.

I don’t know if it stems from my brother getting married in two months, if summer is coming which brings way too much heat with it, or if it’s just my body releasing some of my deeply hidden pain. On Saturday my oldest son and I got into an argument (I won’t get into that) but it made me want him to move out. My feelings were deeply hurt, and I knew that I needed to pray for the gift of forgiving him and for strength to endure my difficult life.

Fortunately, he did give me what I needed as I drove out into the country without him so I could think and not feel annoyed at him just for being in the house. We talked about our issues and he promised to be more respectful and allowed me to help his mood swings with my doTerra oils which have helped us with various medical problems!

I’m so grateful to have my Sertraline again, and am grateful for the help it provides me to keep going and getting out of bed each day. I pray the day when I no longer need them to feel less anxious from the heavy load I carry everyday.